Some may call it gut, others may call it conscience, but I call it God.
I gave my heart away, only to have it shredded into a million parts. I knew love could fix everything, but this, this was hard.
It would take some time for me to be okay, but in the end my experience would birth this newer version of myself.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I‘m comfortable being weak.
Because in my weakness, death will come and heal this wound that life has spun.
Today marks a day that I will learn to love myself again. To be whole again and not shun myself.
I am broken, but I am healed.
Broken hearts felt like dried thorns pricking at the soles of bare feet. It was a dark love, a dark world. She didn’t mean any harm. A momentary relief etching beauty towards bright lights. She had a mind full of questions with equal answers, yet there were still doubts. She paid her dues with cold hard passion ignited by sparks of fury and weakness. What was left were memories. Good, bad, and flighty ones, the ones we tried to forget. The truth made an appearance through words laced in silk, dripping from the lips as sweet as honey. The worries kept her up past midnight and only made sleep look like a distant dream. She wanted parts of him to make her feel whole, to fill the emptiness that had been there long before. She would only question her own motives and analyze intentions played by both parties. Time was too much of a valuable thing, and to waste it was ludicrous. She took on the challenge with vigor and made sound reason in that judgement. She had to wait for the suffering to end. The pain cut deeper than a slit wrist, and stung like a wound being cleaned by an alcohol soaked pad.
She might have lost the only friend she thought she knew so well, but it was for her own good. It would be months before she could muster any courage for contact. It was better if he didn’t exist. Saddening but true.
She wanted to travel to an outer galaxy with no one but him. He promised her riches on the finest china and offered great bearings of lavished gifts. The inconsistencies went unnoticed for some time. It carted scraps of blood, sweat, and tears into revolving doors of eternal agitation.
It was like having too much air but you still couldn’t breathe. The dark was comfortable and easy. It became a habit of believing the lies. She didn’t want to see it. She didn’t want to end it.
So recently I’ve been going through my social media accounts and deleting the few I had or just deleting friends. As the year matures I’ve noticed that so should I. With growth comes responsibility and with responsibility comes action. I am grateful that I am no longer the person I once was, and the people in my life should be those who reflect the person I am now. Birds of a feather right? I believe change is good and I believe it is for the better. With that being said I challenge you to also clean out the dirty laundry of toxic people who have no place in your current life. Til next time… xoxo
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It was nights like this when I’d write. Bloodshot eyes, whiskey on my breath, and a joint in the hand to help me relax. I’m also typing this with my right hand. A few mistakes but well worth the few puffs I get in before the fire dies out. It’s 3:51 in the mornin’. I miss him like the heavens miss a fallen angel. You feel bad for it up until a certain point. The cats are fed and the dog is filled with poo. Can’t sleep, what am I to do? I made a mistake and prepared for the best, but in my own interest. This joint is working its voodoo. I’m tired now. Goodnight. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.
Where do you start?
The urge to move forward but the fear of where to go.
The frustration begins and slowly takes its toll.
Eating you alive from the inside you panic.
Wondering how to contain this endless manic.
In every direction, running every which way.
The course grows longer day after day.
Only those who endure finish as they patiently wait.
No matter how tough or what fears come their way.
Just a couple of minutes to think of what’s next.
Time is limited so you better be quick.
More valuable than gold.
Worth more than money.
It’s all we have, but we think we have plenty.
We share it with those we love and even some we don’t.
We can’t get it back no matter what.
Enjoy what’s left because it will run out.
Stop wasting my time.