The Liar

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Broken hearts felt like dried thorns pricking at the soles of bare feet. It was a dark love, a dark world. She didn’t mean any harm. A momentary relief etching beauty towards bright lights. She had a mind full of questions with equal answers, yet there were still doubts. She paid her dues with cold hard passion ignited by sparks of fury and weakness.  What was left were memories. Good, bad, and flighty ones, the ones we tried to forget. The truth made an appearance through words laced in silk, dripping from the lips as sweet as honey. The worries kept her up past midnight and only made sleep look like a distant dream. She wanted parts of him to make her feel whole, to fill the emptiness that had been there long before. She would only question her own motives and analyze intentions played by both parties. Time was too much of a valuable thing, and to waste it was ludicrous. She took on the challenge with vigor and made sound reason in that judgement. She had to wait for  the suffering to end. The pain cut deeper than a slit wrist, and stung like a wound being cleaned by an alcohol soaked pad.

She might have lost the only friend she thought she knew so well, but it  was for her own good. It would be months before she could muster any courage for contact. It was better if he didn’t exist. Saddening but true.

She wanted to travel to an outer galaxy with no one but him. He promised her riches on the finest china and offered great bearings of lavished gifts. The inconsistencies went unnoticed for some time. It carted scraps of blood, sweat, and tears into revolving doors of eternal agitation.

It was like having too much air but you still couldn’t breathe. The dark was comfortable and easy. It became a habit of believing the lies. She didn’t want to see it. She didn’t want to end it.

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Unfriend

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So recently I’ve been going through my social media accounts and deleting the few I had or just deleting friends. As the year matures I’ve noticed that so should I. With growth comes responsibility and with responsibility comes action. I am grateful that I am no longer the person I once was, and the people in my life should be those who reflect the person I am now. Birds of a feather right? I believe change is good and I believe it is for the better. With that being said I challenge you to also clean out the dirty laundry of toxic people who have no place in your current life. Til next time… xoxo

Can’t Sleep…

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It was nights like this when I’d write. Bloodshot eyes, whiskey on my breath, and a joint in the hand to help me relax. I’m also typing this with my right hand. A few mistakes but well worth the few puffs I get in before the fire dies out. It’s 3:51 in the mornin’. I miss him like the heavens miss a fallen angel. You feel bad for it up until a certain point. The cats are fed and the dog is filled with poo. Can’t sleep, what am I to do? I made a mistake and prepared for the best, but in my own interest. This joint is working its voodoo. I’m tired now. Goodnight. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

Pardon My Excuses

Pardon my excuses, results of damage, post abuses.

I spent my last dime chasing that fast high.

 My conscience, a goody two shoes.
 
Constant battle, bad temper, short fuse.
 
There’s more than what meets the eye.
 
Years of issue wrapped up nice.
 
Closed eyes grant instant escape.
 
Temporary fix, short getaway.

Checking it Twice

Haven’t posted for some time but really busy with getting ahead in other areas of my life. With health being my number one priority, I thought I’d share my lunch I made today.

Bon appetit!

Arugula salad with smoked salmon avocado and tomato. Topped with Parmesan, salt & pepper, olive oil, and lemon juice.

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Art of Perfection, What are we living for? Our Struggle to Greatness…

Daily I’m finding ways to challenge myself for more. When I start feeling comfortable with the way things are going I feel the need to create chaos. Why does life always feel like a race? Constantly we strive for perfection because the world says perfection is happiness. You need a good paying job to make more money so you can live in a huge mansion and drive a luxury car. That’s what life is about and that’s what’s going to make us happy. Right? We are flawed beings and that’s what makes us human. This never ending race for the “superficial happy life” is wearing me out. As I become more self-aware and honest with myself I am noticing that this concept of time is a limiting belief. We get so caught up in the future and what we want in the long run that we miss the present. I’m learning to live in the now and enjoy each day. Growing up in a very religious household played a big part on my journey to greatness. As a Christian I was taught that how we lived on earth determined whether we go to heaven or hell when we die. Knowing that my eternal fate depended upon the way I lived, I kept my focus on doing everything right  so I would go to heaven. I was living my life in fear  and not really living because I needed to be this perfect Christian. Now I know that isn’t the case. God wants us to live in the present and focus on today. He isn’t this disciplinarian who only sees black and white. How I live my life now will shape my future. This struggle for greatness is nothing more than an illusion that distracts us from the present. We need to get comfortable with being comfortable. I hope this message leaves you well and that you all get what you want out of life.

Writing 101: Don’t Stop the Rockin’

Today is a free writing day. Write at least four-hundred words, and once you start typing, don’t stop. No self-editing, no trash-talking, and no second guessing: just go. Bonus points if you tackle an idea you’ve been playing with but think is too silly to post about.

Daylight had crept through the openings of the curtains giving me a chance to wake before the rooster crowed. Dan’s 80s sing-a-long and thumping throughout the apartment was a sure sign I had overslept. The four hour rest period was more than enough to keep me on my feet and if not the images of Donzilan flashing through my head would do the trick. I forgot how many people I had told in my drunken state and now my phone was lighting up every minute. After responding to the final “did you get pictures?” text there was a normal one asking me out for breakfast this morning. It was Stella, who I had met earlier in the night. She seemed to be a very fun girl and apparently had a sense of humor; there was no way I’d make breakfast but I would do lunch.

“Eww wee, girl what time did you get in last night?” Dan asked.  “Or should I say this morning?”

“It wasn’t that late, almost five, I think,” I answered.

“Child, you kids today and your partying.” He said handing me the glass of water. “Don’t get me wrong you need to have fun, but every night? I couldn’t do it.”

Dan was a flaming Puerto Rican with a chiseled physique and high cheekbones. He moved from Virginia and lived in the city for fifteen years. Besides working on his fitness he was an LGBT camp counselor who had just been laid off a few weeks ago.

“New night, new adventure,” I teased. “I actually met Donzilan last night!”

“Shut up! That must’ve been exciting.”

“It was crazy, I also ran into a former classmate from Atlanta and I’m having lunch with his friend who lives here.”

“Girl that’s the universe for you, but you needs to get on those castings.”

“I promise I will.”

Dan had more interest in my modelling career than I did, he always asked for pictures and if I had castings. He was melodramatic but very thoughtful.

Looking in the mirror didn’t help me, I wasn’t expecting to see my polished self but at least appear halfway decent, eww wee was right. My eyeliner and mascara were smeared all over my under eyes and my false lashes hanging at the end of my lash line. My hair was a big tousled mess, matted into a stringy poof. The left side of my face seemed a bit puffy and I felt exactly how I looked, gross. All in all it was the evidence of a very good night and I would do it again if I had to. A cold shower would rid the zombie like feeling. I wasn’t a big drinker when I went out but some nights I felt the urge to go overboard and always regretted it the morning after. The cool water running down my limp body felt like a surge of energy bringing me back to life, it was just what I needed.