The Liar

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Broken hearts felt like dried thorns pricking at the soles of bare feet. It was a dark love, a dark world. She didn’t mean any harm. A momentary relief etching beauty towards bright lights. She had a mind full of questions with equal answers, yet there were still doubts. She paid her dues with cold hard passion ignited by sparks of fury and weakness.  What was left were memories. Good, bad, and flighty ones, the ones we tried to forget. The truth made an appearance through words laced in silk, dripping from the lips as sweet as honey. The worries kept her up past midnight and only made sleep look like a distant dream. She wanted parts of him to make her feel whole, to fill the emptiness that had been there long before. She would only question her own motives and analyze intentions played by both parties. Time was too much of a valuable thing, and to waste it was ludicrous. She took on the challenge with vigor and made sound reason in that judgement. She had to wait for  the suffering to end. The pain cut deeper than a slit wrist, and stung like a wound being cleaned by an alcohol soaked pad.

She might have lost the only friend she thought she knew so well, but it  was for her own good. It would be months before she could muster any courage for contact. It was better if he didn’t exist. Saddening but true.

She wanted to travel to an outer galaxy with no one but him. He promised her riches on the finest china and offered great bearings of lavished gifts. The inconsistencies went unnoticed for some time. It carted scraps of blood, sweat, and tears into revolving doors of eternal agitation.

It was like having too much air but you still couldn’t breathe. The dark was comfortable and easy. It became a habit of believing the lies. She didn’t want to see it. She didn’t want to end it.

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Unfriend

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So recently I’ve been going through my social media accounts and deleting the few I had or just deleting friends. As the year matures I’ve noticed that so should I. With growth comes responsibility and with responsibility comes action. I am grateful that I am no longer the person I once was, and the people in my life should be those who reflect the person I am now. Birds of a feather right? I believe change is good and I believe it is for the better. With that being said I challenge you to also clean out the dirty laundry of toxic people who have no place in your current life. Til next time… xoxo

Can’t Sleep…

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It was nights like this when I’d write. Bloodshot eyes, whiskey on my breath, and a joint in the hand to help me relax. I’m also typing this with my right hand. A few mistakes but well worth the few puffs I get in before the fire dies out. It’s 3:51 in the mornin’. I miss him like the heavens miss a fallen angel. You feel bad for it up until a certain point. The cats are fed and the dog is filled with poo. Can’t sleep, what am I to do? I made a mistake and prepared for the best, but in my own interest. This joint is working its voodoo. I’m tired now. Goodnight. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

Birthday Wishes

Wow, still trying to process that today is my birthday.. (low key freak out session going on in my head right now, mashed together with feelings of joy, unbelief and GRATITUDE!)

*cues Drake & Soulja Boy – “We Made It” in the background while proceeding to nae nae*

Okay,  now before l thank all of you lovely people, first, let me take a selfie.

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(Ahem) Now that we’ve got that taken care of. . .

I would like to thank  everyone for sending me best regards, (even if you haven’t yet..j/k) whether it be a phone call, text message, Facebook post, email, or birthday card, I really do appreciate it. I feel like I’ve won the Science Fair or an Oscar and failed to prepare a speech. (Not implying in any way that I assumed I should be dead by now, but in the world we live in today.. you never know.)

Uhh, yeah.. back to non-morbid matters…

When people ask me what I want for my birthday or how I’d like to celebrate it, I find that as I get older (and yes my anti-aging queens, we all do) my list gets smaller and smaller. I mean I can only wear so many bundles of Brazilian body wave at one time,  and by the way thanks for the card filled with money Mom and Dad. Will you guys be able to send checks six months from now, if I don’t renew my lease?!

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All jokes aside, I have been blessed with more than I could ever imagine. I may not have won uh… (we’ll just use Oscar for consistency purposes) an Oscar but being able to see another year feels pretty darn good dagnabbit!!

With age comes wisdom and I believe that is the greatest gift one can ever receive, well besides Jesus Christ. (this isn’t up for debate and if you don’t know him you are missing out!) And the church said “Amen”.

*Woosah*

I told myself I wasn’t going to preach today.

Nevertheless, I am so honored to be alive another year and can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me. Thanks again for the Birthday wishes and God bless.

#theManupstairsisnotdonewithmeyet #dontbelievemejustwatch #turntbecauseitsmybirthday #thatswhyilovehimlikeido #dontyoujustlovehashtags #crazycapricorn #brainwashedbeauty

Pardon My Excuses

Pardon my excuses, results of damage, post abuses.

I spent my last dime chasing that fast high.

 My conscience, a goody two shoes.
 
Constant battle, bad temper, short fuse.
 
There’s more than what meets the eye.
 
Years of issue wrapped up nice.
 
Closed eyes grant instant escape.
 
Temporary fix, short getaway.

Missed

The girls got a knife in her hand.

Just waiting while she sits, thinks, and ponders her plan.

Taking her life away she makes March 10th her very last day.

Missing out on her dreams and her plans, for a breakup over a silly young man.

He didn’t want her for her beautiful charm or the bracelet she would wear on her arm.

Not thinking she’d be devastated by this, in a soon moment she would be dearly missed.

Slitting her wrist just to get a taste of the pain.

She cries thinking she’s the one to blame.

All of a sudden she hears a knock at the door

“Go away!” She yells. As they knock on some more.

“Just give me a minute I’ll be out real soon.”

The clock was ticking to her approaching doom.

She takes four rounds to the head.

Stabs herself, falls near the side of her bed.

Looks unconscious, but she’s only dead.

None of her friends knew where her future lead.

She didn’t leave a letter, just a simple note.

Yeah it was real painful to read what she wrote.

“Never treat people like this, because you never know when they’ll be truly missed.”

Art of Perfection, What are we living for? Our Struggle to Greatness…

Daily I’m finding ways to challenge myself for more. When I start feeling comfortable with the way things are going I feel the need to create chaos. Why does life always feel like a race? Constantly we strive for perfection because the world says perfection is happiness. You need a good paying job to make more money so you can live in a huge mansion and drive a luxury car. That’s what life is about and that’s what’s going to make us happy. Right? We are flawed beings and that’s what makes us human. This never ending race for the “superficial happy life” is wearing me out. As I become more self-aware and honest with myself I am noticing that this concept of time is a limiting belief. We get so caught up in the future and what we want in the long run that we miss the present. I’m learning to live in the now and enjoy each day. Growing up in a very religious household played a big part on my journey to greatness. As a Christian I was taught that how we lived on earth determined whether we go to heaven or hell when we die. Knowing that my eternal fate depended upon the way I lived, I kept my focus on doing everything right  so I would go to heaven. I was living my life in fear  and not really living because I needed to be this perfect Christian. Now I know that isn’t the case. God wants us to live in the present and focus on today. He isn’t this disciplinarian who only sees black and white. How I live my life now will shape my future. This struggle for greatness is nothing more than an illusion that distracts us from the present. We need to get comfortable with being comfortable. I hope this message leaves you well and that you all get what you want out of life.