Can’t Sleep…

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It was nights like this when I’d write. Bloodshot eyes, whiskey on my breath, and a joint in the hand to help me relax. I’m also typing this with my right hand. A few mistakes but well worth the few puffs I get in before the fire dies out. It’s 3:51 in the mornin’. I miss him like the heavens miss a fallen angel. You feel bad for it up until a certain point. The cats are fed and the dog is filled with poo. Can’t sleep, what am I to do? I made a mistake and prepared for the best, but in my own interest. This joint is working its voodoo. I’m tired now. Goodnight. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

Birthday Wishes

Wow, still trying to process that today is my birthday.. (low key freak out session going on in my head right now, mashed together with feelings of joy, unbelief and GRATITUDE!)

*cues Drake & Soulja Boy – “We Made It” in the background while proceeding to nae nae*

Okay,  now before l thank all of you lovely people, first, let me take a selfie.

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(Ahem) Now that we’ve got that taken care of. . .

I would like to thank  everyone for sending me best regards, (even if you haven’t yet..j/k) whether it be a phone call, text message, Facebook post, email, or birthday card, I really do appreciate it. I feel like I’ve won the Science Fair or an Oscar and failed to prepare a speech. (Not implying in any way that I assumed I should be dead by now, but in the world we live in today.. you never know.)

Uhh, yeah.. back to non-morbid matters…

When people ask me what I want for my birthday or how I’d like to celebrate it, I find that as I get older (and yes my anti-aging queens, we all do) my list gets smaller and smaller. I mean I can only wear so many bundles of Brazilian body wave at one time,  and by the way thanks for the card filled with money Mom and Dad. Will you guys be able to send checks six months from now, if I don’t renew my lease?!

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All jokes aside, I have been blessed with more than I could ever imagine. I may not have won uh… (we’ll just use Oscar for consistency purposes) an Oscar but being able to see another year feels pretty darn good dagnabbit!!

With age comes wisdom and I believe that is the greatest gift one can ever receive, well besides Jesus Christ. (this isn’t up for debate and if you don’t know him you are missing out!) And the church said “Amen”.

*Woosah*

I told myself I wasn’t going to preach today.

Nevertheless, I am so honored to be alive another year and can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me. Thanks again for the Birthday wishes and God bless.

#theManupstairsisnotdonewithmeyet #dontbelievemejustwatch #turntbecauseitsmybirthday #thatswhyilovehimlikeido #dontyoujustlovehashtags #crazycapricorn #brainwashedbeauty

Pardon My Excuses

Pardon my excuses, results of damage, post abuses.

I spent my last dime chasing that fast high.

 My conscience, a goody two shoes.
 
Constant battle, bad temper, short fuse.
 
There’s more than what meets the eye.
 
Years of issue wrapped up nice.
 
Closed eyes grant instant escape.
 
Temporary fix, short getaway.

Missed

The girls got a knife in her hand.

Just waiting while she sits, thinks, and ponders her plan.

Taking her life away she makes March 10th her very last day.

Missing out on her dreams and her plans, for a breakup over a silly young man.

He didn’t want her for her beautiful charm or the bracelet she would wear on her arm.

Not thinking she’d be devastated by this, in a soon moment she would be dearly missed.

Slitting her wrist just to get a taste of the pain.

She cries thinking she’s the one to blame.

All of a sudden she hears a knock at the door

“Go away!” She yells. As they knock on some more.

“Just give me a minute I’ll be out real soon.”

The clock was ticking to her approaching doom.

She takes four rounds to the head.

Stabs herself, falls near the side of her bed.

Looks unconscious, but she’s only dead.

None of her friends knew where her future lead.

She didn’t leave a letter, just a simple note.

Yeah it was real painful to read what she wrote.

“Never treat people like this, because you never know when they’ll be truly missed.”

Art of Perfection, What are we living for? Our Struggle to Greatness…

Daily I’m finding ways to challenge myself for more. When I start feeling comfortable with the way things are going I feel the need to create chaos. Why does life always feel like a race? Constantly we strive for perfection because the world says perfection is happiness. You need a good paying job to make more money so you can live in a huge mansion and drive a luxury car. That’s what life is about and that’s what’s going to make us happy. Right? We are flawed beings and that’s what makes us human. This never ending race for the “superficial happy life” is wearing me out. As I become more self-aware and honest with myself I am noticing that this concept of time is a limiting belief. We get so caught up in the future and what we want in the long run that we miss the present. I’m learning to live in the now and enjoy each day. Growing up in a very religious household played a big part on my journey to greatness. As a Christian I was taught that how we lived on earth determined whether we go to heaven or hell when we die. Knowing that my eternal fate depended upon the way I lived, I kept my focus on doing everything right  so I would go to heaven. I was living my life in fear  and not really living because I needed to be this perfect Christian. Now I know that isn’t the case. God wants us to live in the present and focus on today. He isn’t this disciplinarian who only sees black and white. How I live my life now will shape my future. This struggle for greatness is nothing more than an illusion that distracts us from the present. We need to get comfortable with being comfortable. I hope this message leaves you well and that you all get what you want out of life.

Writing 101: Don’t Stop the Rockin’

Today is a free writing day. Write at least four-hundred words, and once you start typing, don’t stop. No self-editing, no trash-talking, and no second guessing: just go. Bonus points if you tackle an idea you’ve been playing with but think is too silly to post about.

Daylight had crept through the openings of the curtains giving me a chance to wake before the rooster crowed. Dan’s 80s sing-a-long and thumping throughout the apartment was a sure sign I had overslept. The four hour rest period was more than enough to keep me on my feet and if not the images of Donzilan flashing through my head would do the trick. I forgot how many people I had told in my drunken state and now my phone was lighting up every minute. After responding to the final “did you get pictures?” text there was a normal one asking me out for breakfast this morning. It was Stella, who I had met earlier in the night. She seemed to be a very fun girl and apparently had a sense of humor; there was no way I’d make breakfast but I would do lunch.

“Eww wee, girl what time did you get in last night?” Dan asked.  “Or should I say this morning?”

“It wasn’t that late, almost five, I think,” I answered.

“Child, you kids today and your partying.” He said handing me the glass of water. “Don’t get me wrong you need to have fun, but every night? I couldn’t do it.”

Dan was a flaming Puerto Rican with a chiseled physique and high cheekbones. He moved from Virginia and lived in the city for fifteen years. Besides working on his fitness he was an LGBT camp counselor who had just been laid off a few weeks ago.

“New night, new adventure,” I teased. “I actually met Donzilan last night!”

“Shut up! That must’ve been exciting.”

“It was crazy, I also ran into a former classmate from Atlanta and I’m having lunch with his friend who lives here.”

“Girl that’s the universe for you, but you needs to get on those castings.”

“I promise I will.”

Dan had more interest in my modelling career than I did, he always asked for pictures and if I had castings. He was melodramatic but very thoughtful.

Looking in the mirror didn’t help me, I wasn’t expecting to see my polished self but at least appear halfway decent, eww wee was right. My eyeliner and mascara were smeared all over my under eyes and my false lashes hanging at the end of my lash line. My hair was a big tousled mess, matted into a stringy poof. The left side of my face seemed a bit puffy and I felt exactly how I looked, gross. All in all it was the evidence of a very good night and I would do it again if I had to. A cold shower would rid the zombie like feeling. I wasn’t a big drinker when I went out but some nights I felt the urge to go overboard and always regretted it the morning after. The cool water running down my limp body felt like a surge of energy bringing me back to life, it was just what I needed.

Writing 101: Hone Your Point of View

Craft a story from the perspective of a twelve-year-old observing it all. For your twist, focus on specific character qualities, drawing from elements we’ve worked on in this course, like voice and dialogue.

Mama asked me to watch Floyd and Luke fa her while she made supper fa us. Daddy wasn’t home yet but he be comin soon. I always had to look afta my brothers, they always knew how to find trouble. Me and Joyce and them could barely talk about how cute Henry Ellis looked at school today without them little rascals interrupting. Today they wasn’t the only one interrupting. That man with the nice black suit, who come around once a month was at Mrs. Pauley’s house with a police man. It look like Mrs. Pauley got herself into some trouble. I don’t know what they was doing to her but she was crying and readin some papers that the man with the nice black suit gave her. Mr. Pauley went to be with the Lord few months back and mama said Mrs. Pauley been having hard times by herself. I only seent Freddie and Jack come around and visit I wonder where the rest of them boys of hers are. When mama makes pie on Sunday she makes me take Mrs. Pauley a piece, she always invite me inside, ask me how school is. She always gives me three peppermints for me and my brothers and a note to give mama. I wish I knew how to help her right now. Daddy was finally pulling up and I know he would help Mrs. Pauley.

“Daddy, daddy!” I rant up and hugged him pointing at Mrs. Pauley’s house.

He picked me up and gave me a kiss smiling as he turned his head and put me down.

“I know baby, I see it,” he said. “Go on and get your brothers and go inside.”

“You gon’ help Mrs. Pauley?” Poking my lip out with my left hand on my hip.

“Yes sweetie, I will.”

I gave him the biggest hug and a warm smile, I knew everything was going to be okay.

“Floyd… Luke… supper ready!!!”